Thursday, September 3, 2009


Nothing is clicking into place. I feel like I have been placed in the middle of an opaque Russian novel, and I need to rewrite the plot lines of a dozen characters before they all are lost to their own conceits of being forced to wear gray overcoats and live short lives of despair.

I think I see the ghost of an answer raising out of the mist like King Hamlet, and then it is gone.

Like the anguished dark prince of Denmark, I want to scream: Speak to me.

But it is fades without a word. I am still lost in the mist.

What to do? What to do?

There is no one with the answer. Or rather they all have answers: conflicting and contrary and incompatible with each other. No Moses with the tablets.

Is a carefully constructed plan full of nuanced what ifs and Boolean logic my path to some clarity? Can I use my mind to wrestle a solution out of this knot?

Or am I squinting too hard into the fog hoping to catch a glimpse of the far off promised land of a cure?

Maybe the better approach is emptying of the ego and an openness to a fresh idea out of nowhere (know-where). Something completely different.

I need and fortunately have more time.

I will bide awhile. I will let it all soak in.

I am not despairing. I am just completely lost.



Blogger Alison said...

I'd be lost, too. Brian, I have no advice or the knowledge to help - keep talking to us, thinking of you.

September 3, 2009 at 10:27 PM  
Anonymous Jama said...

When you post with such a heading, I know that you have joined the ranks of the average patient faced with so many challenges - and left behind the security of you physician's knowledge. It is a terrible place to be, but one that you will navigate and swim through. Collect yourself. Reflect. Relax. Answers will come. You probably already know the answers (internally) but your head has not yet gotten the message. I admire you Brian and especially that you take the time to share this "Adventure or Mis-Adventure" with others.

September 4, 2009 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger Dragon Slayer said...

You always find yourself again. You may need to be lost in order to really evaluate life. The answers will come whether you try to control them or not. Sometimes not doing anything for a while is the best thing. Let Cll play it's hand for a while-you can trump it-you have before and will again. Onwards
Wanda (fellow cll warrior)

September 4, 2009 at 12:12 PM  
Anonymous Helene said...

Boy, do I know where you are coming from. Given an analytical, synthetic mind and the proper data a rational approach must exist.

But what to do when the algebra equation has too many unknowns to be solvable? What does the scientist do?

I don't know the answer - I am stuck in the analyst/rational mode - but perhaps you will have to pile (very) educated guess upon educated guess with each quess reducing the knowability of the result.

That seems to be the conundrum of life with CLL. A medical condition not well-suited to the medically-minded.

I know you know - but DO keep site of the tiny percent in the marrow, the smallness of the nodes. Could not the transplant, while not giving the knock-out blow, turned your CLL into a more laid-back variety?

Perhaps you will do fine with a low-key approach.

Maybe instead of the search and destroy mission of last summer, you might have to live some time under a coalition government.

I know you will do well. Thinks look brighter from out here than they may to you. I think you have lots of time.


September 4, 2009 at 7:05 PM  

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