Two less legs to stand on

Through the kindness of my friend Wanda, and her connection with a well regarded and kind hearted radiologist, I had my CT scans reviewed.

He confirmed that the originally radiologists were unfortunately correct in their call. What they saw was indeed mesenteric nodes, not some aberrant loop of bowel. In fact, they may have been conservative in their measurements of the growth.

There is no longer any doubt that there is clear progression between December, 08 and February, 09. Furthermore, there is clear progression between September, 08 and December, 08.

It is no longer tenable to believe that these shadows on the CT scan might not be nodes. Three radiologists all agree. A rare event indeed. (I am still sending CDs of my images to a radiologist friend in Paris to get a French take on my mesentery. There are, after all, the experts on all things digestif)

Moreover, there are really no other likely explanations for the nodes growth other than a relapse of the CLL.

This is what I already knew, and didn't want to fully admit. SH-T! (That was my first reaction to the CT findings)

Now that I put those dreams away for good, I plan for my new dreams and my new reality.

I now know what must be done. 

I must stop and collect my thoughts and recharge my spirit. I must regroup. 

I must plan a sensible alternative therapy in the hopes of fashioning an unexpected reversal by plying nutritional levers that most western doctors neglect. In the meantime, I am on a organic raw green diet. Pretty intense.

I must shut up and listen to the upcoming expert opinions in New York as Dr. Kanti Rai and Dr. Rick Furman weigh in on my next move. 

I must hold back from acting on the voice screaming in my ear: What are you waiting for? Why aren't you attacking while the enemy is weak?

If the New York CLL gurus give me cause to pause, I must listen. 

If on the other hand, they see as I do, that this mutant train may be picking up momentum,  I must push Dr. Steven Forman to blow up the bridges pretty soon. Choosing the right explosives and when and where to put the charges will be the information I must bring home from the east coast.

I must be OK with letting go of these burdens so I can enjoy the next 6- 12 weeks as this all comes together.

I must get more rest and sunshine.

I must be gentle with all these "musts"  for the sake of myself, my family, friends, and physicians.