Walking (two)

It is not always easy to move into the present.

That is what Dr. Rai is suggesting. 

He is firmly pushing me to LIVE, and forget about the gut nodes, until I have symptoms. Then move hard and fast. But until then, get a life. Heck, I have normal blood work, normal marrow, and no palpable nodes. I would pass a thorough insurance physical, unless they did a CT. So why not enjoy this reprieve, this remission? Why force the game before I need to?

That is a sea change. Its implications are becoming clearer to me walking along the shoreline, aside the ever changing, ever constant sea. It would mean that I would no longer be preemptive. It says to me to stop planning the next three steps. It asks me not to be hypervigilant. It asks me to forget the CLL, until when or if I get a wake up call.

Can I do that? Can I do what Kabat Zinn suggests: meditate, act and be aware?  Can I move into the moment? Can I let go?

Time will tell.

"Time is not a line, but a series of now points."  -Taisen Deshimaru

So true. So hard.