"We are saying goodbye at the innermost door" Anjani and Leonard Cohen A Mystic Adventure

I have lived on the lip of insanity,

wanting to know reasons knocking on a door.

It opens.

I've been knocking from the inside!

RUMI

Goodbye to the hospital and the sick life. 

Today is my first full day home. Last night was rough and I did not get to sleep until 7 in the morning due to stomach issues, but that is not my focus.

My focus is being back with my family (but not my pets), without masks or gloves indoor. Pure joy!

My focus is walking through my own house with my art (much of it done by my children) and my familiar furniture and Spanish mission architecture, but not the landscape architecture.

My focus is finding the proper balance of rest and exercise.

My focus is on being thrilled with every second of this increased freedom.

My focus is on rejoicing in careful hand washing and food preparations. G-d is right there in the details.

My focus is on enjoying routines of taking my meds and other daily preventive tasks. Who knew my  squeamish wife would make such a great nurse flushing my PICC lines.

My focus is on not getting sick, continuing to engraft, wiping out this leukemia, and living to 95.

My focus is on what good work I am going to do in the next 5 months or more until I can return to direct patient care.

The 800 pound gorilla of CLL (for those not in the CLL or ex CLL community, the standard image of CLL is of a dragon which might make me St George, and I am uncomfortable with that image) is taking its toys and its clones and leaving my life. It's about time. It is all about time.

I begin to focus on the essential, the ineffable. I increasingly stare wide eyed at this moment and beyond. What do I do with this gift, this second chance? The CLL and the transplant have opened doors of perspective. I stop looking at the doorway. What's inside? What's outside?