Self blame and memory

This is our new reality.

Knowing that we are hated. That we are always potentially under attack. Sudden and deadly.

The few bad players that ruin it for everyone.

The terrorists that make the hassles of airline travel hardly worth it for a short flight. Easier to drive. It's a now an equation we weight daily. What level of risks? What level of annoyance? How much and how little freedom?

The B cell clone that makes the hassle of blood tests and doctors' visits and infusions and risk avoidance now a necessary part of life. Scheduling travel and work and finances and life itself around my cellular assault.

Some ask why do these hate us? Hate us enough to smash planes into the World Trade center and the Pentagon and the ground.

Wrong question!

Would we dare ask the slave as he approaches the lynching tree what he did to make them hate him?

Would we dare ask the hasid as he enters the death camp what he did to make them hate him?

Yet some of the well meaning among us dare to ask ourselves what we did to make them hate us.

Why do some of us with invaders in our blood and marrow and nodes ask of ourself what we did wrong to invited these unwelcome and pesky house guests. Or worse, have well intentioned friends and family and holistic providers lovingly chide us that the cancer is proof positive of our wanton ways.

I want to scream.

Why are we not more understanding and compassionate with ourselves?

Self deprecating is good for comedy, but not when you facing the battle of your life.

It is important to be humble and willing to learn and accept what role we play in our fates. But it is important to understand the perversity of the enemy you face. As when you encounter a mountain lion in the wild, look big, make eye contact , and don't back down.

Some of this misery is just fate. Just bad luck. Just ill winds. Bad genes and bad dudes. Wrong place at the wrong time.

It has been ten years since 9/11 and six years since my white count of 18,000. Full and fitful years filled with passion and compassion and too much pain.

Yes, indeed we must look inside ourselves to see where we let down our guard, how we loosen our border control, how we got weak. But not with self blame.

We didn't invite in the malignant terrorist bent on the destruction of that is great and crass about America.

We didn't ask the malevolent B cell clone into our our very blood to straighten out our poor choices or past risks.

But they are here, among us.

And we must deal with this new reality.

Soon I will post on how I cope.

One way is living big. Off to Peru in two days.