Wednesday, October 1, 2008

"It's just the way things change now, like the shoreline and the sea" Leonard Cohen

When one forgets the essence of one’s own soul, when one distracts one’s mind from attending to the substantive content of one’s own inner life, everything becomes confused and uncertain. The primary role of penitence, which at once sheds light on the darkened zone, is for one to return to oneself, to the root of one’s soul. Then one will at once return to God, the Soul of all souls. 
(Avraham Isaac Kook, The Lights of Penitence)

My wife and I walked on the beach yesterday at sunset. From the pier we tossed our crumbs into the waves. It's called Tashlish, the traditional symbolic gesture for ridding our sins as we celebrate the birthday of the the world or Rosh Hashanah.

True change is hard. I wish I was better at it. The ritual is prodding me to do the necessary work.

I did notice one small change. When I got my lab back today, I saw my tacrolimus and sirolimus levels (my immunosuppressive drugs) were quite low, and I remained OK. I figure Dr. Forman will address that issue when he has the engraftment results next week. It's all part of the same puzzle that is my new life. I am even slightly less neurotic about the wait for those critical numbers. Still neurotic, just less so, and more optimistic then ever that 100% of my donor cells will finally take their rightful place at the head of my immune table.

Talking immunity, my level of immunoglobulin IGG, an important class of antibodies, is falling. This is not a surprise as my last IVIG (a pooled IV blood product that replaces only IGG) was in June, pre-transplant. My other two antibody classes that were measured, IGA and IGM remain below the radar screen. My immunity will be lax for some time. That is in the nature of CLL: antibodies that are painfully slow to recover, even in remission. My defences remain porous.

Has anybody seen my antibodies?

I am surprised by my own calm about this.  These are really side issues. I am still fighting for my life, and my soul.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home