Thursday, February 19, 2009

Be still my beating heart

Yesterday I had another bone marrow biopsy. Not too bad. As is my habit, I walk afterward to minimize the after pains. This time it was next to the rain swollen streams of Eaton Canyon, near City of Hope.  I listen as did Siddhartha for the laughter of the brook, loving the wildness of the place so close to the urbanity of Pasadena.

A great escape, but by bedtime, the anxious waiting for the results had begun.

This time I am not trying to stay calm about my chimerism results. Wouldn't it be great if I discovered that I had gone from 0% donor to, well, anything but 0%. That would be super and would make a pretty exciting story. When you're at zero, there is no concern that your level may have fallen in the latest test. It's going to be the same or better, so why worry.

Now my doctor and I are sniffing for the slightest hint of a relapse. The microscopy that can find 1 in 100 cancer cells may be back by the end of the week. The fancier flow cytometry that snoops out 1 in 10,000 may take a week longer. I am expecting good news. I feel well and honestly everyone tells me I look great.

This waiting part is always tough for me. You would think I would be an expert by now. The master of the here and now. 

Instead I have the unhealthy tendency of trying to seize the future instead of the day. I started to ask Dr. Forman one of my what if questions to which he wisely said "Why have a speculative discussion today when we can a specific one in two weeks".

He's right of course, but it means waiting the two weeks.

Between now and then is my CT scan.

My wife and I found another wonderful diversion to rescue me today.

Heard my long time friends and legendary jazzmen, Luther Hughes,  Tom Ranier, Paul Kreibich and Ron Eschete together as H.E.R.K. play some blow all your cares away and forget everything but the sweetness of this G-d given moment kind of music. All this plus I enjoyed a great meal with friends and drifted along with the beat.

It was perfect.

It's all perfect. Or darn close. And I can live with that.

Labels: , ,


Blogger Alison said...

Stay with the moment, Brian. Thinking of you!

February 19, 2009 at 5:24 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home