You give me reason to live, you give me a reason to live, you give me reason to live!

My daughter and granddaughter in the California Redwoods

Patty and I went on one of our best trip ever. It wasn't exotic China, not romantic Italy, not Zen Japan, not super natural New Zealand, not historic Prague or musical Vienna or friendly OZ, not ancient Israel and Egypt, not the castled United Kingdom, not magical Peru, not the grand Grand Canyon, but gritty occupied Oakland because that's where my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter live.

That young lady with the pink bib in the picture is another reason to soldier on.

I have no bucket list. As I have said before, I have way too much joy in each day and way too many things left undone to imagine that a list of the top 10 or top 100 or 1000 checked off would signal it's OK to check out.

But seeing that four month old under the marriage chuppah might be a moment when I can say that I have seen enough.

Nah, make that holding my first great grandchild. I should be in my 90s or close. If I live long enough to see that baby's bat mitzvah, I would be around the century mark.

In any case, CLL would be a remote memory. What a blessing that would be.

But now CLL is front and center. Tomorrow I have my MRI to see if my CLL is trying to launch a sneak attack from inside enemy lines, my mesenteric or gut nodes. If they have grown too big despite another course of rituximab, I need to knock them back to size while I still can. If they become "massive" ( >10 cm) they become harder to kill. In these large niches, they have more supportive infrastructure such as nurse cells and they are just tricker to reach with what ever toxic cocktail I have planned for their last meal.

That means choosing a new treatment strategy that keeps one eye on my ITP, and another on my sleepy bone marrow and my third eye on a future transplant redux- probably my only chance to live long enough to see a fourth generation.

I wish there was another way, but I am not convinced. Kinase inhibitors such as CAL 101 or immunomodulators such as Revlimid might buy some time, but not a cure. They don't promise me another 30 years. Only a second transplant gives me a 50/50 shot at getting really old. But a transplant demands a big price for that shot of redemption and a second transplant demands even more.

I have been catching up on hours and hours of reading about my disease and transplant. CLL remains thankfully a hot research arena. Much is changing fast, but is it fast enough? I doubt it, at least for me and those of us who might need treatment soon.

Those who have followed me on some or part of my six year journey know this is a repetitive loop- my anxiety before a scan or bone marrow biopsy, my cogitation over my next move, my lament about the slow progress and the constricted choices, and my hunger for life.

Thanks for joining me on the trip. The CLL community and others facing similar challenges are among the many gifts in my life

I've got too many reasons to live and one very young, and beautiful new one.