Sunday, January 18, 2015

No more deaths from CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia)?

Will there soon be a day that there will be no more deaths from CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia)?

That may not be possible.


The better question is whether we soon can give everyone one of us with CLL a very very long and high quality life with the diagnosis.


With support and education and research, that is absolutely possible.


Online and local support groups, educational blogs (like mine and others) and CLL focused websites help inform the best possible decisions.
Today, a significant number of us CLL patients, if we choose wisely and get a lucky break or two, can have a very long run with little price to pay. And that number is growing.
But still too many of us get lost on the road or get banged up on the trip  or worse, blindsided by a fatal accident despite reading all the road signs and making the best possible decisions.
I, like everyone in the CLL forums, am dedicated to educating and supporting my fellow CLLers, but that is only one step. We need more and better treatment options. We also need to reach more fellow patients and providers alike about the best options already available, with therapy decisions being made based on the best evidence and the preference voiced by us patients.
Our work is daunting, but I believe we are getting close.
That is what drives the efforts of this blog, the nonprofit CLL Society Inc., and many many others.
Stay strong
We are all in this together.

Labels: , ,

Thursday, January 15, 2015

This was Not Supposed to Happen

Dr. Aaron Caplan's widow, Michelle says it best, but it a story with the saddest of endings.

This is not a post for the faint of heart, nor is it meant to be a downer for us survivors with CLL. '

Maybe its only utility is to remind us to live every day to its fullest, to ask us to accept that we really have much  less control than we imagine, and to urge us to push hard to find smarter and gentler therapies.

Here are Michelle's unedited words, shared with her permission.

This wasn't supposed to happen.  

Aaron had planned to come home to New York today or tomorrow to prepare himself for further treatment.  His doctors had begun applications to three centers for a very promising t-cell therapy that would either precede or take the place of a second bone marrow transplant using his sister, Elana, as the donor.

Aaron was not suffering.  He had not given up.  He told our children the night before he passed that they were the reason that he was getting better.  He told me that he would never leave them when they were three and five years old.  He planned to enhance their lives for years to come.  He told me that I looked tired and that he was excited to rest up together as soon as he was home.  On Monday I believed that we would survive and thrive once again.  That our family was safe.  

It is true that we found ourselves in a difficult situation last month with the news about the secondary lymphoma but Aaron always believed that we would make it through this crisis and that, in the end, it might lead us to the elusive cure.  He wondered if he hadn't endured enough before that last transplant and that perhaps he would need to be brought to the brink of death in order to rise again.  No matter what it would take, we planned to do it together and come out the other side into another beautiful stretch of years.  

He began chemotherapy on Tuesday December 16th, the very same day that the Richter's transformation was confirmed with the results of a lymph node biopsy.  That night he drove home from Boston, organized his work, rose at 3:30 am (his usual time--the day was never long enough for him) and worked straight through until Friday.  Saturday he played with our children, cuddled with me, and made dinner for his family.  He was tired but not sick.  The photo that has been shown of the four of us was taken on Saturday December 20th, the day before he went into the hospital.  He was very much alive and focused and excited to see our children perform in their winter solstice concert.  This was not a man who was contemplating death.

The hospitalization was sudden and complicated by this strange and intense hip pain that forced him onto pain killers that made him psychotic.  Aaron was always a lightweight.  He never even took an Advil so to have his system overrun with morphine and Atavan was overwhelming.  Though that day-to-day challenge sparked many concerns for brain bleeds, infections and strokes, he was simply under the influence of the medication.  And what we feared might be metastatic disease to the hip was a musculo-skeletal injury that was worsened by the injection administered to stimulate his bone marrow.  Aaron's cell lines had been blown out by the chemo and his system needed time to recover.  Aaron had patience.  He was willing to endure the many discomforts that accompany low counts.  He never complained.  But we knew that he needed better care.  

Once we relocated him to Boston, the pain was quickly brought under control and while he was exhausted from the ordeal, Aaron was once again oriented and ready to move forward.  His team had begun a new chemotherapeutic regimen that was quickly shrinking his enlarged lymph nodes. We hoped to see a rebound in his counts this week as the cancer levels in his bone marrow were brought under better control.  Aaron was walking around the transplant unit on Monday with a PT, doing squats, and lamenting that what had been a body in the best shape of his life was suddenly so deconditioned.  He intended to turn that around.  Aaron had wanted me to bring the kids home so that they could get back to their routine.  I was not supportive of this decision but he was always the one to put the children ahead of himself.  He was happy to hear their squeals of delight as they raced about and reconnected with their space.  I was counting down the days until we could bring him back into our house that did not quite feel like a home without his presence.

Tuesday morning, I called him on the way to school and learned that he was having trouble breathing.  He said that they thought he had pneumonia.  To be honest, I became a bit hysterical as I did not want to see one more thing stand in our way.  Aaron reassured me that all was well, that it was a slight thing, offered the kids his love, and then the line went dead.

I could not get him back on the phone.  We never spoke again.  I soon learned that Aaron did not have pneumonia but had suffered a bleed in his lungs that was making it hard for him to breathe.  The doctors believed it was from one blood vessel that needed to be repaired.  I agreed to the procedure, packed the car, retrieved the kids and headed to Boston.  Thankfully not alone.  Sasha and Mira's teacher and my friend, Lorna, could see my distress and offered to drive us.  Throughout the drive, we received updates.  Most of them led me to believe that Aaron had a good chance of survival.  

When I arrived, his mother, Louise, was told that Aaron had survived the procedure and that we could see him in a few minutes.  At that time, I imagined his release would be delayed.  Nothing more.  I was completely unprepared for the hastily delivered news that he had spontaneously begun to bleed again, that he had coded twice, and was essentially about to die.  

Aaron and I never said goodbye.  Aaron never wrote letters to the children.  Death was not part of our plan.  And in no scenario that I could have ever envisioned was Aaron lying on a table covered in his own blood while I begged him, and God, and every one of the thirty doctors and nurses who surrounded us to save this most amazing man.  My love.  A father who devoted himself to his children.  A doctor with an amazing brain and work ethic.   I couldn't have seen myself nearly on top of him, holding his face, and tasting his blood as his incredible spirit moved out of his body.  I couldn't have believed I would hear from a doctor that the reason for this situation was disastrously bad luck.  But that is what happened.

And it should not have happened.  

Aaron should be on his way home to us.  We should be walking forward arm in arm.  This is what we wanted.  This is what we fought for.  This is what we clung to every day as we loved each other and our children and this incredible life that we had built together.  We fought for life until the end.  He deserved the best kind of luck at every turn.  

Aaron Caplan was kind, generous, loving, brilliant, joyful, energetic, always smiling, embracing life and those around him every minute of every day.  We never fought.  No one ever fought with Aaron.  He operated on an entirely different plane than most people.  He should have had the chance to go on.  I don't know how to do so without him.  He was our whole world.  

Michelle also wrote me:
Aaron so admired you and wanted to donate to your site. I would like to direct people as to how to do this.  Can you please tell me?
If you want to support our nonprofit 501c3 CLL Society Inc. effort to meet the unmet needs of the CLL community, there is Donate button on the very top of this page.

If you prefer to mail a donation, please send the check to:

CLL Society Inc.
PO Box 10546
Newport Beach, CA
92658

Thank you.

May Aaron's memory be a blessing.

Labels: , ,

There is One Less Doctor/Patient with CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia) Alive Today

More bad news.

After a 10 year struggle, a young friend (in his mid 40s) with very young children, a fellow MD with CLL, just passed away from complications of his leukemia.

Being a doctor, even a very thoughtful Harvard trained doctor, and being treated at world class medical centers, and making all the smart decisions, and getting randomized to the "right" arm of the trial, and getting the best possible therapies and living a clean lifestyle, and being a hardworking, good person, and having the love of your family and friends and the respect of your colleagues and the prayers of many, none of it provided a free pass.

This is the second doctor/patient that I personally have known that succumb to this disease.

When it comes to CLL there is no immunity. Double entendre definitely intended.

I hate this cancer.

Mostly I am just so sad for his wife and his children and the rest of his family.

And angry (but I am not sure at what- the cancer I guess).

My prayers goes out to his loved ones.

I am also so motivated to do what can be done to increase all our odds of avoiding a premature death. It's possible. It's close. But we are not there yet.

I and several other CLL survivors from our Orange County CLL support group will be at the LLS Blood Conference Feb 7 in Anaheim.

Please click here to learn more.

On behalf of LLS, I extended an invitation to Dr. Tom Kipps of UCSD and Dr. Steve Rosen of City of Hope and was thrilled that they both accepted to speak. It will be super meeting, so don't miss it.

Please register and when you are there, please drop by our table for the CLL Society Inc. the new nonprofit 501c dedicated to the unmet needs of the CLL community. Learn how with your help, we plan to make a real measurable difference in the years to come and do what we can so that everyone has the best possible odds.


Labels: , , , , , ,

Friday, April 25, 2014

Another CLL (Chronic lymphocytic leukemia) Patient Dies Disease Free from Complications of Her Treatment

I lost another friend to CLL: a kind and powerful woman who so loved her life filled with friends and strong family support and love. She was an important and passionate member of our local support group.

Too young, too alive to be gone so soon.

She was treated at the end at one of the world's best CLL centers, but that transfer of care from a community oncologist might have come too late.

When she passed on, her CLL was nowhere to be found, but her uncontrollable GVHD (graft versus host disease) from her transplant (her sister was the donor) killed her. GVHD can be so unpredictable and so relentless.

Yet another death by treatment.

Transplant is a very blunt tool with huge collateral damage, but when the disease is on the march again and has wised up from former chemotherapy so that it can no longer be lulled back to sleep with the usual drug combos, transplant may be the only option left that offers us another chance. I am glad it's available. It can be a life saver. Or not. Remember that I opted for one for myself almost 6 years ago. That's how this whole blog started.

The issue, however, is not knocking back the CLL. That we can do most of the time. The issue is healing the patient. That is where we fall short.

That is why I am pushing for new therapies.

That is why I am looking at preserving our immunity and our marrow.

That is why we need research to rebuild our damaged B and T cells.

The pain of these losses motivates what I do here on the blog and out there in the community. Most of the time, I feel so lucky to be able to do blog and share my story and ideas and interviews.

But sometimes, like today, it just reminds me of how vulnerable that we all are and how raw are our  wounds .

Right now, once again, I will just want to stop and stoop my head and say a prayer for her family.

I am so sad.

I hate this cancer.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Sad and Untimely Death of my dear Friend Dragana: "Dying for Your Principles" or "Herbs versus Cancer is a Fixed Fight"

2011 in Wales
Dragana is wearing the red skirt

If tragedy is suffering without meaning, then I am trying to give meaning to the untimely death of this  beautiful woman on March 6, 2014. Please follow with me as I share the story of how our intertwined paths unfold. There is even a poignant cameo appearance by the late Dr. Hamblin.

I first met Dragana on her 40th birthday in the magical kingdom of Bhutan in 1997, and I last saw her over two years ago though we Skyped often until a few weeks ago.

Let me linger on our first encounter seventeen years ago to place out connection in the exotic, mystical, and Eastern space where it flourished for so long.

Went we met in the land of the the peaceful dragon half way around the world, my best friend, Todd and I were traveling to celebrate his 50th birthday to escape all the "Depends and Geritol" jokes and instead spend his half century mark visiting as an exotic place as possible.

Those days, the Buddhist kingdom of Bhutan was not receiving too many tourists (still isn't), especially in the monsoon season when we slipped and slid around in the thin air on the narrow and muddy Himalyan roads, but what it lacked in creature comforts it made up for in the beauty of the people and their country.

Then there was no TV and no lawyers, the national sport was archery, polygamy was common, and everyone wore the traditional clothing of a "go" and argyle socks and spoke the queen's English. As a potency talisman, there were pictures and sculptures of erect ejaculating penises everywhere hanging from rafters in people's homes, inside Buddhist temples and on the walls of government buildings. We drank yak milk and ate red rice. We never encounter a Yeti, but he and she can be found commemorated on the country's stamps. Wedged in the Himalayan mountains and valleys between India and China, Nepal and Bangladesh, the citizens proudly say it would be the largest country in the world if you could iron it out. 

The modern basketball loving king famously wants his government to increase the country's gross national happiness. Check out his website for the details.

It is also known since ancient times as the land of medical herbs. 

That is where Dragana fits in.

Dragana was part of a small ex-pat community working in the capital, Thimphu, as a third generation herbalist for the government helping to modernize traditional Buddhist herbal medicine.

She was standardizing and identifying active agents, checking for bacterial and fungal contamination, and cataloging ancient therapies.

She proudly told me that she brought the first elevator to the country, actually a dumb waiter to deliver the bulk herbs to the traditional hospital.

She was melding modern technology and science with ancient wisdom, something she was expert at.

Her knowledge of botanical and traditional Chinese medicine, her amazing talent as artist painting the plants that she so loved, her creative approach to raw organic vegan food, her dizzying personal energy, her ruthless ability to see though my sometimes facile notions, and her complete commitment to her herbal way of life has been a beacon in my life. 

We stayed in touch, at first by handwritten letters, then email, then phone and finally Skype. Though she was born in Croatia, she called England home and worked as an herbalist for Neil's Yard, a respected maker of various botanical products. My son Will once helped her pick wild lavender for one of her concoctions.

We met again in Spain when I was traveling with my same friend and my oldest daughter. I visited her twice in England, once with my two boys and yes the same friend (Todd and I have traveled a lot together), and the last time with my wife.

I remember us standing together in remote Druid stone circles in the rain at midnight or exploring the English country side for wild herbs and flowers or lounging in the sum In Parc Guell in Barcelona.

She visited the US with her friend Daphne (pictured above on the left) to attend my daughter's wedding and three of my four children visited her and stayed at her home in England. Just a few months ago, Dragana arranged for my oldest son to visit at last June's summer solstice celebration with the Druids at Stonehenge.

When she came here eight years ago for my daughter's wedding, she was one of the very few that I told of my cancer diagnosis one month earlier. She and Daphne immediately deconstructed my diet and my life, helped me shop for a juicer and order all the accruements of my new raw vegan lifestyle.

She had little faith in Western medicine, but I am proud that she would occasionally and reluctantly consult me on allopathic matters when her herbs were not strong enough.

When I visited her last, she had been diagnosed with cancer. I scheduled a trip to England to beg her to consider a likely life saving and curative surgery but she would have none of it. She came into the world with all her parts and she was leaving it the same way. We even all visited the wonderful CLL champion Dr. Terry Hamblin not long before he passed on from his colon cancer. (Dragana was in his living room with us in the picture from my memorial post). I had not prepped him in anyway, but somehow he came to tell us the story of how early in his career as as an oncologist he had had a patient that refused curative therapy for her cancer because she wanted to treat it naturally. She went on to die a needlessly horribly painful death from metastatic disease. I was moved by the story, but Dragana was not. She heard none of this. In fact, she felt sad for Dr. Hamblin and his sterile English diet and his trust in Western medicine.

She also heard none of my pleas to be open to all possible options to cure her cancer. She was clear and strong on this.

Instead, my wife and I traveled with her though southern England and Wales and had a marvelous time. 

Near the end, the terrible pain of metastatic disease caused her to relent. Palliative radiation bought her respite to revisit her home in Croatia. Hospice care with pain meds made sure she was comfortable in her last few months. Even then, when she was so weak that she could barely speak, she still refused most therapies and used her herbs to ameliorate many of her symptoms.

She lived and died in a consistent and valiant way, congruent with her whole life's work and philosophy.


Now she's gone and I will miss her powerful and haunting spirit. She opened my eyes to a bigger world and changed my whole approach to food and herbs and really healing. She also became a dear friend and mentor to my whole family.

I am so sad that she's passed and I so wish that I could have changed her mind so that I could plan another visit to her home in the beautiful English countryside to learn from her and to eat one more of her amazing meals. I want to chat on SKYPE with her tomorrow and get her counsel on diet and herbs while she scolds me on my out of balance life choices.

There is a huge part of me that is in shock that I have outlived her. My cancer is still for the most part incurable. Her's was not.

Even if I wish it wasn't so, I respect and admire her decision.

My backbone is less strong. Though I hate chemo, if there was a chemotherapy available tomorrow that would for sure cure my CLL, I'd be first in line. Heck if it was proven homeopathy, which in the face of it seems completely nonsensical, could get me a lasting remission, I would give it a try, even if meant standing my whole allopathic understanding of medicine on its head.

I believe we need to use what is proven to work, and when that is unknown, which is too often the case, we should use what makes the most sense to our hearts and our brains.

But I also believe we need to be open to change, especially radical change, as Dr. Hamblin would say, "think laterally".

The Talmud teaches we are to live by the commandments, not die by them. I generalize that principle to be pragmatic core of my flexible approach to healing. I am results oriented. Dragana was process oriented, committed to a balanced and "eastern" way of seeing the world. If and when our we ever meet again, I am sure we would lovingly disagree on who chose the better path.

In the meantime, I cherish the nearly seventeen years that she was my dear dear friend.

Every time, and this would be many times every day, that I eat a sprouted grain or drink a raw vegetable juice or thumb my nose at a GMO highly processed food, I will think of her.

Rest in peace, Dragana. You are a very special person.

Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, November 28, 2013

I am Sick - Or Maybe Not

For the first time in years, I have come down with something.

Or maybe not.

Here's the story.

Yesterday I got the relatively new conjugated more antigenic protein based pneumonia vaccine, PREVNAR 13.

My last pneumococcal vaccine, the weaker but broader spectrum Pneumovax, and the older PREVNAR 7 were administered more than seven years ago when I was first diagnosed in the hopes that early in the disease, my immune system had not crumbled too much and I could still mount a protective response.

The new improved PREVNAR 13 made my arm sore, which I took as a good sign, suggesting some immune response. In contrast, the flu jab a few weeks early was a non event.

That night I felt pretty awful- achy, lightheaded, nauseated, chilled, agitated. I slept little.

The next day, today, I went for my every 8 weeks IVIG. This by the way, may also dampen my immune response to the vaccine, but I wanted to get the immunization as far out as possible from the last boost to my passive immunity with the infusion of IVIG.

It was not that long ago that I was getting IVIG every 2 weeks! My veins are much happier.

I still felt terrible this morning.

Although the news was good with my hemoglobin and platelets (both within normal ranges), despite my stretching out the time between the protective dosing with other peoples' antibodies to prevent me from killing my own platelets as I have done so often in the past with my ITP, I got a surprise with the white blood cells.

My lymphocytes were zero, nada, missing in action, on the automated differential although I did have a normal 0.4 count of atypical lymphs.

My lymphs are my cancer cells. I am happy they aren't around.

But they are also my T cells and presumably some healthy non-clonal B cells. Where are they? I need you guys to fight infections and search and destroy any early secondary cancers. Come back!

Strange, but it gets stranger.

My absolute neutrophil count was a very high 16.7, most consistent with a bacterial infection. These are levels one sees in pneumonia or appendicitis or a kidney infection. Serious stuff.

Occasionally however, very early in the course of a viral infection, the neuts will rise. In the past when I was sick, my lymphs shot way up, not the neuts.

And although I had no fever, my blood pressure was as low as 81/45. It was still low, but better by the time I left the cancer center.

Despite the fact my wife was very sick all last week with multiple specific signs and symptoms, I have had no focal problems, just this general overwhelming malaise.

So is it the prodome of a coming illness? The oncologist who saw me at the infusion center wisely wrote a script for a broad spectrum antibiotic just in case, but said to hold it until it is clear I am actually sick with something infectious. Good counsel.

Or was it all just a weird rection to the PREVNAR?

I slept much of the day, and am starting to feel better, so I am betting on the latter. Us CLL patients have pretty weird immune systems.

More bad news.

On a sadder note, another CLL warrior died this week. Ellen Rhudy was a fighter, very actively battling her disease for years in her own unique way with mostly alternative, non allopathic medications. Over the years, we exchange many emails and a few phone calls as she tried to leverage her comprensive knowledge of different nontraditional therapies with the changing and less toxic CLL treatment landscape. We often disagreed, but we were friends because we shared a common enemy.

CLL plays for keeps. I hate it.

I will miss our exchanges, Ellen. Rest in peace.

Really sad.

Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

iwCLL 2013: Dr. Jeff Sharman Discusses the Practicalities of the New Prognostic Factors

In this short but rather technical discussion of the new diagnostic tests that is a follow-up to part one of my interview from iwCLL 2013 in Cologne, Germany, Dr. Sharman shares what he actually tests for in a patient who is considering therapy.

I started by challenging him that we have heard of these novel disease markers such as BIRC3, Notch 1 and SF3B1, but they are not discussed much outside of academic research, and even then, they are not tested for in most trials

Most of these new prognostic markers have just not yet made it from the research studies into the hematologist's office.

One important point that I want to linger on for a moment is the difference between a prognostic and a predictive marker.

Though the terms are often used rather loosely, and many markers are clearly both, there is a difference.

A predictive marker tells us patients how likely we are to respond to a particular therapy. A 17p or BIR3 or CYP2B6*6 warns us that our chance of a response to FC is markedly diminished.

Mutation status prognosticates how likely we are to need therapy and die too soon from our disease. Remember that all prognostic markers are prognostic for groups, not for individuals

While there is frequent overlap, it is a helpful distinction to keep in mind when considering our  workup in advance of therapy. Obviously a marker that predicts that we won't do well with traditional chemo-immunotherapy carries with a bad prognosis if that is the only therapy our docs could offer.

But as you have heard over and over again, that dangerous bottleneck is rapidly expanding with the new treatments coming into use. Accordingly, the distinction becomes increasingly important and predictive tests may soon help guide choice of our therapy.

Here is Dr. Sharman:



One more sad note: I just found out that another CLL warrior lost the fight. George Martinez, whom I met and connected with in Columbus, Ohio, a fellow charter member of Team I (ibrutinib) who like me, flew to Ohio from his home in SoCal to join Byrdland, came to that drug after being badly beaten up by his CLL, its treatment, and multiple horrific infections.

I will miss his kind, funny, warm and generous ways.

We need to be looking at more than kicking the cancer down the road. We need to looking at reconstituting our immunity and preserving our marrow.

I hate this disease and want to see it vanquished!

Rest in peace, George.


Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, November 14, 2013

It's All Too Much: The Loss of a CLL Friend and the Approval of Ibrutinib for Mantle Cell Lymphoma

The world of CLL is unrelenting and demanding.

I tried to step away for a few days, but news, good and bad, swirled into the center of my vision, and if that didn't get my attention, it then whacked me off my seat with its wild and blunt force.

Like my six month old granddaughter saying with her fusses and her smiles, PAY ATTENTION TO ME, CLL craves to be the center of the universe.

We lost another CLL warrior today. A member of our Orange County support group, Susie Vercruse passed from complications from a stroke. This was not likely a direct CLL issue, as even with counts of a million or more lymphocytes, we don't get the dangerous hyperviscosity (the blood gets too thick) seen in other blood cancers than can lead to blood clots, but that doesn't ease the pain. I will miss her easy smile and friendly positive ways. Very sad.

And yesterday we gain a new warrior in our CLL battles. Well sorta. 

Ibrutinib or should I say now say Imbruvica was approved for relapsed and refractory mantle cell lymphoma (MCL).

This is very good news. It was as a friend in Houston said: a clean approval: No black box warnings concerning use with blood thinners (an early concern in some trials). 

The label says:

Five percent of patients with MCL had Grade 3 or higher bleeding events (subdural hematoma, gastrointestinal bleeding, and hematuria). Overall, bleeding events including bruising of any grade occurred in 48% of patients with MCL treated with 560 mg daily.
The mechanism for the bleeding events is not well understood.
Consider the benefit-risk of ibrutinib in patients requiring antiplatelet or anticoagulant therapies.
Consider the benefit-risk of withholding ibrutinib for at least 3 to 7 days pre and post-surgery depending upon the type of surgery and the risk of bleeding 


Importantly patients only have had to fail one prior drug before they can have access to Imbruvica (get used to that name). Often new and expensive treatments are held in reserve only for those who have failed all other therapies, not just one.

Also there are no restrictions as far as I can see on how it used, alone or in combination, unlike the more limited recent approval of obinutuzumab.

MCL is much rarer than CLL, less than 3,000 cases a year in the USA, and is generally a much nastier and faster moving cancer than most CLL, with until very recently, fewer good treatment options.

Both obinutuzumab and ibrutinib could benefit a ton of patient of patients "off label", which is an ethical and legal way that many cancer and other drugs are often used.

Of course, cost will be a big issue. At an estimated more than $90 a pill for Imbruvica, the annual price tag for those of us with CLL would be just a tad under $100,000 a year. It is a full third higher in MCL as they take four 140 mg tablets daily. To their great credit, I have read that Pharmacyclics will be offering some medication free to help patients while the insurance is being worked out and will offer co-pay support for others longer term.

These days, this is the typical cost of many new cancer drugs, and is actually lower than some. Some orphan drugs used to treat very rare disorders can cost $200,000 to $400,000 a year, making ibrutinib look like a bargain.

Still 99% of us will not able to pay for that, and insurance will likely balk or in the best case scenario, take a good arm wrestle to consent to lay out that kind of cash.

We need to hope from a very broad approval for Imbruvica for CLL, speedily to minimize these issue.

It is a brave new world we are entering, and there are no easy answers. Drugs are very very expensive to get to market and for every single chemical that succeeds in making it to market, scores and scores never make it to the pharmacy. 

We can't afford it and we can't afford not to do it. 

I will post more helpful interviews real soon from iwCLL 2013 (I promise), but as John Lennon said: Life is what happens to you, while you are busy making other plans.

Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Good News on the Home Front and Sad News at the Hospital

I have managed to stay out of the infusion center where I get my IVIG for a full five weeks and my lab results today were great.

My hemoglobin was the highest it has been in years (14.7) and finally well within the normal range, my platelets were over 400,000 and my ALC was about 1.3 and my WBC around 10.

Maybe it was my wife's Cajun gingerbread with all that blackstrap molasses boosting my iron while my ibrutinib controls my disease and keeps my counts in check, and my cyclosporin and IVIG shut down my ITP.

Whatever it is, it is good news.

As I have preached before, I mustn't get too excited by one blood count. It is the trend that matter. And for my mental health, it is best to smooth out the high and lows, but I wanted share this piece of good news before I head off to ASCO 2103.

With these encouraging results, I am now planning to stretch out my IVIG infusions to every six weeks with my doctor's blessing.  Not so long ago it was every three weeks that I was getting poked and infused. My veins are most thankful for the respite.

On a much more tragic note, last week I lost a colleague, a compassionate and talented surgeon from my local hospital with whom I had worked for decades. He had chosen to keep his CLL and other blood issues more private. We shared many confidence about our battles and I will miss him and the life he gave back to many of our mutual patients though his skilled interventions. 

His last few months were very difficult. Rest in peace, my friend.

This is a cancer that still plays for keeps. It picks no favorites. 

We need to decide wisely on our therapies. We need to get these new drugs to market soon. There are lives in the balance.

Labels: , , , , ,

Sunday, February 17, 2013

ASH 2012: Dr. Tom Kipps Explains why Understanding CLL Biology Helps us Focus Therapies: Bcl-2 and ABT-199; as well as my Reporting on the Suspended Trials

This is the first of a four part interview with my doctor, Dr. Tom Kipps, where he unpacks for us the complexities of why Bcl-2 is such an attractive target in CLL.

This is not a theoretical construct, but is directly pertain to a powerful drug that is in clinical trials right now: ABT-199. That power is a double edged sword and I discuss the recent news about the trial suspensions later in this post.

It turns out that of the all the B-cell cancer, CLL is guilty of the greatest overproduction of this Bcl-2 which is a strong cellular anti-suicide messenger. Twin that with the contravening fact that CLL cells also overproduce the powerful pro-apoptotic (programmed cell death) compound BIM. But BIM is held in check by the excess Bcl-2.  Block Bcl-2 and then the BIM goes bam and the cancer cell suicides.

Vey good.

That is where ABT-199 comes in. But I will let Dr. Kipps explains.



Now all this power to take the safety off the suicide bomber inside every CLL cell comes with a heavy cost. If it is too effective, especially in someone with a high tumor burden (read very high lymphocyte count and huge nodes) and /or there is a significant dose escalation, the cell death toll can exceed the body's ability to cope with all the waste produced by the broken down cells. This is the dreaded tumor lysis syndrome( see this nice explanation by Dr. Sharman), and it can not only kill the patient, it can kill the development of a life saving drug.

Very bad.

I have waited until there was a reliable public source for confirmation before posting this information on my blog and I got it today from Bloomberg news.

I quote:


AbbVie Inc., the drug company that split off from Abbott Laboratories at the start of the year, suspended five studies on its experimental leukemia and lymphoma medicine after two patient deaths.

The patients died from tumor lysis syndrome, said Tracy Sorrentino, a spokeswoman for North Chicago, Illinois-based AbbVie. The complication stems from the rapid destruction of malignant cells after treatment that can trigger acute kidney failure. It occurs most often with large tumors such as those found in leukemia and lymphoma patients, according to the National Institutes of Health. 

They continue:


We have every expectation that these trials will come off the partial clinical hold and we’ll be able to initiate Phase 3 trials in 2013 as planned,” she said. “ABT-199 is a highly- potent agent and can result in the tumors reducing really quickly,” she said. “We are working to refine the dose.”

After the complication was discovered, AbbVie and its partner, Roche Holding AG, suspended the dose- escalation portion of the studies to determine the amount of drug that is safest and most effective, Sorrentino said. The risk stems from the drug’s potency and can be managed if the dose is carefully controlled, she said. 

This is a very powerful oral medication that has a tremendous potential to help even the worst risk patients with CLL. I want to have this option available in the near future to the many of us who might benefit from it, but not at the cost of moving too fast in the clinical trials. I agree that now that we know the danger, we can take appropriate precautions. 

Personally, if  I wasn't already doing so great on my ibrutinib trial, I would not hesitate to enter an appropriate ABT-199 trial once they have the dose escalation reworked. If anything, they are going to be over cautious from here forward.

Hence my prior post on dotting the I's and crossing the T's that was my loud admonition to take it slow with drug trials.

Nice and easy does it every time.

Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Life and Death

My personal lab results can wait. The science can wait.

What can't wait is the rendering of my, our collective pain on this page.

Three crushing notices of death in the last week. 

We all lost Ravi Shankar who was still teaching and making music days before he passed at 92. We celebrate his life and remember his music and at least for me, those heady days in the late 60s and early 70s when he first touched my life. The scene was a concert at the faded regality of the Outremont Theater, in Outremont of course, an ethnically diverse neighborhood of Montreal, where I lived when in medical school. The very high audience applauded loudly for the tuning up. Mr Shankar commented that he hoped they would enjoy the music as much. And then we were transported by the foreign tonality and rhythms of his raga to new places, places of peace and beauty. And the applause was stronger. We had been taught to listen with new ears.

I am sure his friends and family wanted more time with the master, but he had traveled further than most and 92 years is not a life cut short.

Not so with Randy Shirley, a CLL warrior, cut down in his prime, killed in his battle to lead himself and others to a place of disease control. A husband, father, friend, and confidant to many others with CLL, Randy's fight ended suddenly after only three short years from time of diagnosis. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. The trial of biological therapy was supposed to be kinder and gentler. Doesn't that mean that you aren't supposed to die?  While we have no information, no connections, no data, no causes or effects, but the one thing I know for certain is that life offers no such guarantees. No Kaplan -Meir Curve is 100%. You pay your money and take your chances. And don't expect the rules to be fair. What's fair about a brave and generous soul being so alive one day and gone the next?

But the absences of guarantees and fairness doesn't begin to touch the abyss of meaningless terror for the 20 children and the 7 adults of Newtown, Connecticut. 20 children, 20 little children, gone for no reason. The horror is unimaginable for their families. There are no answers, nothing that will ever calm my soul or ease the burden of living in such a tortured world or explain away the craziness. Others may fine solace in their faith and I bless them for that, and join in their prayers, but for me personally, that never has unlocked any doors of salvation. I wish it did.

My answers, such as they are, have to do with living.

For me, one of the living, one touched from a distant by these deaths, I will push forward with greater urgency, using my sometimes empty words and my too often tentative grasps of the science and my too occasional prescient maneuvers to try to heal myself and the world.

I will not surrender to the sorrow or be bullied by the terror. I will not say no to the risks. Instead, I will continue to take the necessary chances. I will not stop pushing the limits. Instead I will demand better answers.

I will remember to savor every moment as if it might be my last. 

Some old Hassidic wisdom will help: "Life is a very narrow bridge. The important thing is not to be afraid." Rebbe Nachman of Bratslav.

Let me finish with some east/west music, a raga, to soothe my (our?) ragged souls.

We are all in this together. Especially when it hurts.

Labels: , , , , , ,

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Randy Shirley: Another CLL Warrior Passes

I had hope to post the good news on GS-1101 from ASH 2012, but life and death have a way of intervening. I will get back to my sharing of the science tomorrow, but my blog has always also been about the journey, the wins and the losses. And sometimes I need to share the bad news too. Sometimes I need to mourn the loss of a friend. Randy Shirley, a fellow CLL battler, passed away yesterday at the age of 55.

Randy Shirley

From my friend Nancy O'Brien Simpson:

Randy Shirley has my kind of leukemia which is currently considered incurable. He was diagnosed October of 2009. Married to his best friend, Debbie, for 33 years with three daughters. He was an awesome poster on my FB leukemia support group. So happy, and brave, and cool! He was young and relatively healthy when he volunteered for a clinical trial (ABT-199). He unexpectedly passed away this morning. Devastating news. The volunteers in the clinical trials pave the way for the rest of us. Sometimes with their very lives. RIP Randy Shirley and thank you. Your presence will be missed so very much.

From me:

was blindsided by the sudden death of this brave and good man. So sad to lose another CLL warrior. Rest in peace, Randy. The memory of your hope and generosity is a blessing to all of us who were lucky enough to know you. My deepest condolences to his family and friends.


From my friend, Pat Kennedy:

The CLL community has lost a great warrior. Like everyone else I was blindsided by this news. Randy was participating in a clinical trial and had just posted yesterday about how well he was doing. His motto, which you know if you knew Randy, was "Never,Ever Give Up!" and he never did, right to the end. RIP Randy!

From another person in the same trial:

I am not sure you are aware yet but Randy Shirley has passed away.  I just met him and his wife on Monday when I was in Seattle for my monthly blood draw at SCCA.  He said he felt better than he had in years. He was on 300 mg of the drug at the time.  Tuesday AM he began taking 1200 mg of ABT-199.  Sometime on Wednesday he passed away.  I contacted the clinical trial coordinator and they are completely shocked and do not have any information that they are releasing at this point.  So no details.  I am stunned with this news but I know you and Randy have been in contact and he spoke to me Monday about how helpful you had been to him.  Thought you would want to know.  I am lost for words.

Randy and I were in regular contact. He was so upbeat about his trial and his disease. It is way too premature to draw any conclusion about the cause of his death or its possible relationship to the trial drug ABT-199. We know nothing about what led to his unexpected demise. Believe me that in these tragic cases, there will be careful probing into what happened and what can be learned. Believe me that nothing will be swept under the carpet. Trials don't work like that. If there is an issue, it will be outed. The safety profile has been excellent for many others and I would still recommend this drug.

But first I need to mourn the loss of another friend.

Labels: , , , , ,

Friday, September 21, 2012

Hole in My Heart


Space Shuttle Endeavor on it's Last Flight over Lake Merritt, Oakland

Yesterday I lost a dear young friend. I saw her the day before she died. After my wife, she was probably the most important woman in my life for the last few decades before my transplant shrunk my work world. 

A wise, rock steady healer. A constant friend.

Her disease was not CLL, but another chronic illness that waxed and waned. It gathered steam over the last few weeks, reached a crescendo in the last few days, and in the end, it proved too much for her. 

I am so sad for her children, her family and friends and the thousands of those whose lives she touched and helped through her smart and gentle work.

Life can be so cruel and so unfair.

Today I saw the NASA shuttle, Endeavor, do a low slow fly-by in Oakland on it's farewell trip through space. Like Endeavor, I will never see her fly again.

There's a gaping hole in my heart.

I will be OK. I have lived with tragedy and death before, but there are some hurts that never heal. 

Labels: , ,

Saturday, August 11, 2012

So Sad

Dr. Larry Deutsch

My friend, Dr. Larry Deutsch died of complications of CLL. He was only 66 years old, a well respected family doctor, an honest medical writer, (see Calorie Wars)  and gifted hypnotist with offices in Ottawa and New York City.

We met in person at CLLPAG in Niagara Falls last April, but had been internet pals for a long time before that. We had worked on some hypnosis audio files to help deal with the stress of CLL. He was headed to Socal for a visit next week, but sepsis intervened first.

He was a kind and thoughtful physician and a good friend, full of life, hope and plans for the future. A life cut short. I will miss him and our many Skype calls.

I am way too sad to write much today. More later on the possible painful lessons from this tragedy.

Cancer sucks.

Labels: ,

Monday, March 19, 2012

Death in the PCI-32765 trial

I guess I should share what I have just confirmed today from the trial staff.

One "young" participant in the trial in my cohort recently died of viral pneumonia. What I found out is that he had no PCI-32765 and only a couple of doses of ofatumumab. He had other "medical problems" and seems to have had iffy immunity prior to going into the trial. Long term steroids may have been a factor. So the PCI-32765 or ibrutinib was clearly NOT the culprit.

Still, he took a chance, entered the trial and died. I am sure he had to do something and this was his best choice. Mine too.

Tragedy is suffering without meaning. What is the meaning of this loss? So sad to lose this stranger just a few steps ahead of me in this journey.

Clinical trials are full of incalculable risks. How do you want your danger served up: known or unknown?

Infection risk seemed to be very underplayed. Immune suppression is built into mechanism of action of both the ofatumumab and the PCI-32765 and can't be tweaked out. We are playing with powerful weapons that are not quickly turned off and on. Although they are targeted therapy, the targets do more than just slow down the cancer cells. The collateral damage may miss the marrow and the liver and the lungs and the T-cells (unintended targets of other small molecules and MABs), but both trial drugs hit the humoral immune system and the ibrutinib probably does something nasty to the some patients' platelets too.

Still, I needed to something and this trail still makes the most sense

CLL sucks. Cancer sucks.

Options are good.

Labels: , , , ,

Saturday, January 21, 2012

How Doctors die

All my recent upbeat posts on CLL begs the issue that we will all die. We don't get to choose when or of what we die, but he can chose how we deal with the process.

Just like life.

So a quick break from the nitty gritty of CLL to take a look at the nitty gritty of life and death, whether you do or don't have an "incurable" cancer and whether or not you are a doctor.

The following is a provocative article from Zocalo Public Square, an organization that explores a wide range of current and challenging topics in various forums. Good stuff and worth getting to know. Dr. Murray, the author of this article is a thoughtful assistant clinical professor at USC (where I taught for years as a clinical professor) and has written other articles that you can find at Zocalo Public Square.


How Doctors Die

It’s Not Like the Rest of Us, But It Should Be

by Ken Murray

Years ago, Charlie, a highly respected orthopedist and a mentor of mine, found a lump in his stomach. He had a surgeon explore the area, and the diagnosis was pancreatic cancer. This surgeon was one of the best in the country. He had even invented a new procedure for this exact cancer that could triple a patient’s five-year-survival odds—from 5 percent to 15 percent—albeit with a poor quality of life. Charlie was uninterested. He went home the next day, closed his practice, and never set foot in a hospital again. He focused on spending time with family and feeling as good as possible. Several months later, he died at home. He got no chemotherapy, radiation, or surgical treatment. Medicare didn’t spend much on him.

It’s not a frequent topic of discussion, but doctors die, too. And they don’t die like the rest of us. What’s unusual about them is not how much treatment they get compared to most Americans, but how little. For all the time they spend fending off the deaths of others, they tend to be fairly serene when faced with death themselves. They know exactly what is going to happen, they know the choices, and they generally have access to any sort of medical care they could want. But they go gently.

Of course, doctors don’t want to die; they want to live. But they know enough about modern medicine to know its limits. And they know enough about death to know what all people fear most: dying in pain, and dying alone. They’ve talked about this with their families. They want to be sure, when the time comes, that no heroic measures will happen—that they will never experience, during their last moments on earth, someone breaking their ribs in an attempt to resuscitate them with CPR (that’s what happens if CPR is done right).

Almost all medical professionals have seen what we call “futile care” being performed on people. That’s when doctors bring the cutting edge of technology to bear on a grievously ill person near the end of life. The patient will get cut open, perforated with tubes, hooked up to machines, and assaulted with drugs. All of this occurs in the Intensive Care Unit at a cost of tens of thousands of dollars a day. What it buys is misery we would not inflict on a terrorist. I cannot count the number of times fellow physicians have told me, in words that vary only slightly, “Promise me if you find me like this that you’ll kill me.” They mean it. Some medical personnel wear medallions stamped “NO CODE” to tell physicians not to perform CPR on them. I have even seen it as a tattoo.

To administer medical care that makes people suffer is anguishing. Physicians are trained to gather information without revealing any of their own feelings, but in private, among fellow doctors, they’ll vent. “How can anyone do that to their family members?” they’ll ask. I suspect it’s one reason physicians have higher rates of alcohol abuse and depression than professionals in most other fields. I know it’s one reason I stopped participating in hospital care for the last 10 years of my practice.

How has it come to this—that doctors administer so much care that they wouldn’t want for themselves? The simple, or not-so-simple, answer is this: patients, doctors, and the system.

To see how patients play a role, imagine a scenario in which someone has lost consciousness and been admitted to an emergency room. As is so often the case, no one has made a plan for this situation, and shocked and scared family members find themselves caught up in a maze of choices. They’re overwhelmed. When doctors ask if they want “everything” done, they answer yes. Then the nightmare begins. Sometimes, a family really means “do everything,” but often they just mean “do everything that’s reasonable.” The problem is that they may not know what’s reasonable, nor, in their confusion and sorrow, will they ask about it or hear what a physician may be telling them. For their part, doctors told to do “everything” will do it, whether it is reasonable or not.

The above scenario is a common one. Feeding into the problem are unrealistic expectations of what doctors can accomplish. Many people think of CPR as a reliable lifesaver when, in fact, the results are usually poor. I’ve had hundreds of people brought to me in the emergency room after getting CPR. Exactly one, a healthy man who’d had no heart troubles (for those who want specifics, he had a “tension pneumothorax”), walked out of the hospital. If a patient suffers from severe illness, old age, or a terminal disease, the odds of a good outcome from CPR are infinitesimal, while the odds of suffering are overwhelming. Poor knowledge and misguided expectations lead to a lot of bad decisions.

But of course it’s not just patients making these things happen. Doctors play an enabling role, too. The trouble is that even doctors who hate to administer futile care must find a way to address the wishes of patients and families. Imagine, once again, the emergency room with those grieving, possibly hysterical, family members. They do not know the doctor. Establishing trust and confidence under such circumstances is a very delicate thing. People are prepared to think the doctor is acting out of base motives, trying to save time, or money, or effort, especially if the doctor is advising against further treatment.

Some doctors are stronger communicators than others, and some doctors are more adamant, but the pressures they all face are similar. When I faced circumstances involving end-of-life choices, I adopted the approach of laying out only the options that I thought were reasonable (as I would in any situation) as early in the process as possible. When patients or families brought up unreasonable choices, I would discuss the issue in layman’s terms that portrayed the downsides clearly. If patients or families still insisted on treatments I considered pointless or harmful, I would offer to transfer their care to another doctor or hospital.

Should I have been more forceful at times? I know that some of those transfers still haunt me. One of the patients of whom I was most fond was an attorney from a famous political family. She had severe diabetes and terrible circulation, and, at one point, she developed a painful sore on her foot. Knowing the hazards of hospitals, I did everything I could to keep her from resorting to surgery. Still, she sought out outside experts with whom I had no relationship. Not knowing as much about her as I did, they decided to perform bypass surgery on her chronically clogged blood vessels in both legs. This didn’t restore her circulation, and the surgical wounds wouldn’t heal. Her feet became gangrenous, and she endured bilateral leg amputations. Two weeks later, in the famous medical center in which all this had occurred, she died.

It’s easy to find fault with both doctors and patients in such stories, but in many ways all the parties are simply victims of a larger system that encourages excessive treatment. In some unfortunate cases, doctors use the fee-for-service model to do everything they can, no matter how pointless, to make money. More commonly, though, doctors are fearful of litigation and do whatever they’re asked, with little feedback, to avoid getting in trouble.

Even when the right preparations have been made, the system can still swallow people up. One of my patients was a man named Jack, a 78-year-old who had been ill for years and undergone about 15 major surgical procedures. He explained to me that he never, under any circumstances, wanted to be placed on life support machines again. One Saturday, however, Jack suffered a massive stroke and got admitted to the emergency room unconscious, without his wife. Doctors did everything possible to resuscitate him and put him on life support in the ICU. This was Jack’s worst nightmare. When I arrived at the hospital and took over Jack’s care, I spoke to his wife and to hospital staff, bringing in my office notes with his care preferences. Then I turned off the life support machines and sat with him. He died two hours later.

Even with all his wishes documented, Jack hadn’t died as he’d hoped. The system had intervened. One of the nurses, I later found out, even reported my unplugging of Jack to the authorities as a possible homicide. Nothing came of it, of course; Jack’s wishes had been spelled out explicitly, and he’d left the paperwork to prove it. But the prospect of a police investigation is terrifying for any physician. I could far more easily have left Jack on life support against his stated wishes, prolonging his life, and his suffering, a few more weeks. I would even have made a little more money, and Medicare would have ended up with an additional $500,000 bill. It’s no wonder many doctors err on the side of overtreatment.

But doctors still don’t over-treat themselves. They see the consequences of this constantly. Almost anyone can find a way to die in peace at home, and pain can be managed better than ever. Hospice care, which focuses on providing terminally ill patients with comfort and dignity rather than on futile cures, provides most people with much better final days. Amazingly, studies have found that people placed in hospice care often live longer than people with the same disease who are seeking active cures. I was struck to hear on the radio recently that the famous reporter Tom Wicker had “died peacefully at home, surrounded by his family.” Such stories are, thankfully, increasingly common.

Several years ago, my older cousin Torch (born at home by the light of a flashlight—or torch) had a seizure that turned out to be the result of lung cancer that had gone to his brain. I arranged for him to see various specialists, and we learned that with aggressive treatment of his condition, including three to five hospital visits a week for chemotherapy, he would live perhaps four months. Ultimately, Torch decided against any treatment and simply took pills for brain swelling. He moved in with me.

We spent the next eight months doing a bunch of things that he enjoyed, having fun together like we hadn’t had in decades. We went to Disneyland, his first time. We’d hang out at home. Torch was a sports nut, and he was very happy to watch sports and eat my cooking. He even gained a bit of weight, eating his favorite foods rather than hospital foods. He had no serious pain, and he remained high-spirited. One day, he didn’t wake up. He spent the next three days in a coma-like sleep and then died. The cost of his medical care for those eight months, for the one drug he was taking, was about $20.

Torch was no doctor, but he knew he wanted a life of quality, not just quantity. Don’t most of us? If there is a state of the art of end-of-life care, it is this: death with dignity. As for me, my physician has my choices. They were easy to make, as they are for most physicians. There will be no heroics, and I will go gentle into that good night. Like my mentor Charlie. Like my cousin Torch. Like my fellow doctors.

Ken Murray, MD, is Clinical Assistant Professor of Family Medicine at USC.

Labels:

Monday, January 9, 2012

A Mitzvah: Visiting the dying

It is a mitzvah (a Jewish commandment/good deed rolled into one) to visit the sick and dying, so Patty's and my beach retreat can wait a few hours. My friend/patient may not. This is no burden. In fact, I am lucky and privileged to be invited into these moments, these turning points and passages.

What I do miss is the other end of the cycles, the births, the bar mitzvahs, the graduations, the marriages. Those are less frequent these days, and a "senior" family doctor like me get called to less and less of them as my patients get older too. It's especially true for me as I no longer sees all those germy kids.

This serves as a reminder to celebrate the big events when they do appear and gives even more reason to squeeze the joy out of all life's little wonderful moments, victories, and treasures.

Labels: , ,

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Terry Hamblin 1943-2012

Visit to Dr. Terry Hamblin at his home in Bournemouth, England, March 2011

From his blog; Mutation of Mortality :

Terence John Hamblin 1943 – 2012


It is with great sadness that we announce that Terry peacefully passed away shortly before 1:00 AM on Sunday 8th January 2012.

The family wish to thank everyone for their prayers and kind message sent over the period of Terry's illness.

From me:

Damn cancer. Damn, damn cancer.

To die in his 60s, a man with so much left to give and such a generous heart for giving.

His intellectual rigor, his demand to examine the raw data and the raw science under the hood, his prying open and breaking down each cancer puzzle into digestible bits that could perhaps someday be modified to gain an advantage on our relentless malignant tormentor, this scientific drive informs how I, when I am at my best, approach my writing on CLL and all my medical education topics. He was a mentor.

But it was his generous soul, his constant giving, and his deep faith that were what I will most remember.

He modeled the joy and blessing that comes from giving. You could read it between the lines of the counsel he offered so often and so freely to the many who reached out to him when overwhelmed in cancer's grip,

He lived in the peace and certitude that comes from his unflinching faith. He even got this skeptical Jew to pray for him, a believing Christian.

I was lucky to visit him and his wife last March at his home.

I will miss him. The whole CLL community will. And many more.

We are the ones dismayed. Or angry. Or both.

We are the ones lost and uneasy.

He is at peace.

Labels: ,